Rebuilding Life after Pregnancy Loss: Finding a New Normal.
Rebuilding your life after a traumatic event is not an easy feat nor is it something you can do right away. I always want you to remember that every person has their own timeline and even then, we don’t know what that timeline will look like. We just know when something feels right or it feels like the time. There is no path, no plan, or even a direction, especially in the initial stages of your grief.
And I don’t want you to worry if you are not ready to move FORWARD. It may take a few years or even more. I’m rounding on my 5th year; honestly, this seems like it may be a hard one for me. I can just feel the unsettling feeling within my heart. It aches more than it normally does and I tear up a lot more often over this past month. This is the year Evelyn would be turning 5, she would have been the middle child and I can only imagine the sass would be equal to Violet, i also have a feeling they would have been best friends which makes me hurt even more. Luckily for my mama heart, Evelyn has been sending me signs in the form of rainbows and beautiful weather that mimics the day I went into labor with her and the day I gave birth. She is sending me messages in the form of words and symbols that remind me of her and of course the watermelons! If you are new here, Watermelons are one of the things that remind me so much of my little girl because of all the watermelon clothes that I bought for her in the summer of 2019, Carters had all watermelon clothing for baby girls and I was so excited because as a little girl that was my favorite food in the entire world.
Rebuilding a life that was torn apart is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do. Funny or maybe ironically enough it tends to happen more often than not, except losing a baby, a child is the worst fucking thing that could ever happen, at least in my eyes. Because even before we were pregnant with these beautiful souls, we dreamt about what it would be like to be their mom! We have had so much time creating these beautiful future memories that we don’t realize there is a possibility that they may not make it. So what the heck do we do? How do we rebuild, or find a new normal that includes our dead baby? ( If you are new here, I speak how I speak, I use direct language, and I don’t do it to hurt anyone, I do it because that is who I am and how I can understand things. )
The beginning of my grief was the hardest because I would wake up to this reality over and over, my baby isn’t here and neither is my pregnancy belly, where is she?! I put my focus on my kids, making sure I got all of the funeral parlor stuff done, cremation stuff done and just spent all my time on the couch, writing. I wrote so much, kind of like I was a young girl again writing in my diary. I wrote letters to the Doctor and the Midwife who took my birthing choice away even though there was no reason to. I was mad, I hated them and I wanted them to know it. I never sent this letter but even to this day, I still want to. I wrote in the different journals I was given starting the day after I came home. I wrote nearly every day for the first month because it gave me a place to share my voice, I didn’t see anyone talking about this openly, I didn’t know who to talk to at first, or who would even listen.
I focused on my future, not to forget my baby but to give myself hope. I found hope in the fact that there would be a tomorrow and I still had a life with my living girls. I focused on my career as a Postpartum Doula, which I had taken my training for a few months before I gave birth to Evelyn. I also started talking to hospitals about helping loss families as a bereavement doula, just as a support to help them through this shitty experience. I needed to help.
We focused on the seasons and the holidays, which started with Fall, my favorite season. We went to Michaels, too many times to admit, to buy seasonal decorations, I definitely used shopping as a coping mechanism, now I shouldn’t recommend that but it can help lol.
We did a lot of arts and crafts and watched movies, we also adopted a puppy that was born on Evelyn's Birthday- it was too synchronistic not too. It was meant to be, so we spent the rest of that summer loving Theodore. He helped us heal and brought us so much joy, we were able to put all of our love into him that we carried for Evelyn.
I also cried…A LOT. I would snuggle with the girls and our new pup and once they fell asleep I would cry silently. I remember how physical crying was in the beginning, the way my whole body would shake and blubber along with my gasps and trying to breathe while I cried so hard, I would hold my chest because sometimes it felt like I was going to stop breathing with the way I would gasp so sharp. I tell you this because it was one of the most natural ways that helped me heal bit by bit. Our bodies HAVE to go through this process. Every cry, every sob, every bargaining conversation with God to give us our babies back, every guttural scream or yell into a pillow, it all has a purpose… that purpose is to save us. Our brains, our bodies, our souls, I believe work together to protect us and bring us back to a new baseline after trauma and loss. The grief is hard because it is THE WORK. The work we must put in to keep us going is to find the other side to grief. To find our new normal.
So here are a few things you can focus on…
Your future (vacations, holidays, milestones)
Living Children (if you have them)
Work (focusing on something you love is a win)
Hobby ( Start trying new things, you are a different person, you may find a passion)
Your marriage or relationship (I highly recommend therapy if you are struggling to grieve and communicate together)
Taking care of YOUR health (both physical and mental)
Writing/Journaling ( For YOU. Not for anyone else, there are thoughts and feelings we have that others may not understand and are just for you. It will help, I promise.)
Be careful not to let in unhelpful things, like TV shows, movies, music, and experiences that will affect you and your mood. ( You are very susceptible to influence in the initial loss)
We have a Pregnancy Loss Affirmation Coloring Book and Journal on Amazon to support you if you need it.
We are always here, if you have any questions or are looking for a resource we may not have yet- but could create for you, just reach out!! vallen@evelynjamesandco.com
I always answer my own emails and would love to chat with you.
