My Experience Navigating Through Pregnancy After My Fullterm Stillbirth

Many women experience an overwhelming urge to become pregnant as soon as possible after fetal or perinatal death; 80% of women become pregnant within 18 months of the death. 

This is a huge statistic which means also means this is highly important to talk about, so let’s dig in!

You have to think about it, not only are we concerned for ourselves and making sure the pregnancy is going well, but we always have a big, blinking WHAT IF, in the background. Behind every thought, feeling, emotion, milestone, check up and ultrasound. “What if my baby dies…again.” What will I do, how will I live?

Nothing prepares you for the loss of a child just like nothing can prepare you for the experience of navigating pregnancy after a loss.

I thought my pregnancy would never end. This was my fourth pregnancy and my first after I lost Evelyn. It was a whole new type of pregnancy, not only do I have the hormones, painful ligament pain, wobbly body and all the mental and emotional turmoil of my brain but the added stress and grief from my loss, shadowing everything else in my life. In the beginning there is always excitement, surprise and happiness when you find out your pregnant, but if you have lost a baby, this quickly turns and dims that hope and happiness and you start drowning in the fear and uncertainty of everything that could go wrong. For me, I had made it to 40 weeks and 4 days of carrying her, nourishing her and keeping her alive. I gave birth at 40 weeks and 5 days which is typically what you hear from me, but I wanted to explain the nuance. This tortured me becuase no day, week or month was safe anymore. I coudlnt feel good knowing I passed any mark because I had made it!! I FUCKING MADE IT TO 40 WEEKS AND SHE STILL DIED. I knew babies could die now and I also knew they could die even after getting to the 40 week point. This was insane to me. My first pregnancy after my loss was SO hard and so long. 

Every morning I woke up… I put my hand on my belly and started pushing and moving him around and saying, “Okay, baby, are you alive in there?” If he didn’t move quickly enough to me, I would get the baby doppler out. Thankfully I was able to control the urge to use the doppler obsessively. I knew there would always be parts of the pregnancy that were beyond my control and honestly this thought was a blessing in disguise. It allowed me to relax. It also meant I wasn’t responsible for the death of my daughter… because it was beyond my control. This provided much needed relief to my delicate heart and put me at ease, which I haven’t felt since before Evelyn had died. 

There were times when I felt as if I didn’t trust myself anymore. I felt as if I couldn’t be trusted to carry and keep my babies safe and I couldn’t be trusted to tell if something was wrong. The intuitive parts of my soul and body  no longer felt connected and this damaged my self-esteem and self-trust badly. I didn’t even realize it at the time. 

I remember the day we found out the gender and knew more about the genetic test results. Jon and I were in marriage therapy when my phone rang. I was so excited, I just felt as if it was a girl and that is truly what I wanted at the time. It felt as if I was meant to be a girl mom. I apologized to my therapist and told him, I just had to answer… I can tell you when she told me that my baby was a boy, my heart and my hope dropped. I remember crying and feeling so mad and knowing I was blessed to be pregnant but so disappointed about him being a boy. I had never heard the phrase "gender disappointment" before - so this is where it became real for me. It was such a hard thing to work through. I was devastated and no one could make it better. I spent the beginning of my pregnancy feeling disconnected and disasocciated a bit. Thinking that If I didn’t think about it and not feel about it, I would be okay if anything happened. I felt so much love for this baby, for Emmett, but I couldn’t attach to him or any outcome knowing he could die too. I couldn’t risk it. I remember lying to my care team about the feelings of gender disappointment out of fear they would judge me or think I was damaged goods. I’m pregnant again- what most loss moms dream about and here I am complaining that it is a boy and not a girl. I’m such an ungrateful ass. (My thoughts of course.)

I was pregnant with Emmett during COVID so I especially felt isolated because I couldn’t be around people, my kids couldn’t go to school and I never got a minute to sit with my feelings and process anything alone. I was never alone. (But felt lonely haha) 

Giving birth to Emmett was an incredible experience. My body went into labor on its own, just like with Evelyn. I started labor around 8/9pm so I had my husband go to bed after the girls went down so he could sleep a bit. I stayed up tidying, packing and talking to my doula and my midwife. Around midnight things started to get real… fast. I was in so much pain from the labor pains, so we headed to the birth center which was an hour away. That drive is now a blur. We packed up the girls and headed to Mount Vernon. By the time I got there, the midwife and midwife-in-training were getting ready for me and my doula showed up shortly as well. 2 hours later I have birth to Emmett in the tub and it was such a cathartic experience, so visceral and healing. PROOF I could give birth to a living baby. As if I needed that validation. My sweet baby boy soothed my aching heart and soul and was everything I didn’t know I needed. Like all my children he locked eyes with me almost immediately.

I’m not ashamed to say most of our photos have a floating turd in them as well. HAHAA FML. Serioulsy this is motherhood- this is the shit we don’t always share but it alwasy seems to be the things that connect us with others. 

We were able to go home about 2 hours later and my midwife came to my house later that day to do weigh in and other post baby stuff. 

The hardest pregnancy on my brain and body, but was worth it all… in the end. 

The 2nd subsequent pregnancy after my stillbirth was less of an emotional and anxiety filled one than the first. I always had the thought of what if in the back ground of everyday. I knew the statistics, I knew I had a higher chance of stillbirth and I knew that it was mostly out of my control. This allowed me to take my pregnancy day to day knowing I was doing the best I could to keep my baby alive. And give myself the grace to be able to enjoy as much of it as possible, knowing it was my absolute last. A vasectomy was in my husbands near future ;) It was the hardest pregnancy physically with lots of round ligament pain which was debilitating. My top and bottom parts of my body felt disconnected at times, I felt so wobbly. 

I think there are a few reasons why the 2nd subsequent pregnancy was “easier” than the the 1st. 

1. The obviousness of being farther away from the loss.

2. More time to process my grief and mourn for my daughter.

3. The maturity and ability to understand there is alot outside of my control. I could control what went on outside of my body. Physically I could watch what I eat, move my body, protect it from harm etc. But internally, I had to depend on my imperfect human bodily systems and organs to do the magical work of keeping my baby alive. I had to give it to the universe and let go. 

4. I was more emotionally stable than I had been in a long time. 

5. I was able to ask for support when I needed it, instead of suffering alone. 

If you are navigating pregnancy after loss there are a few things you can do to support yourself through it. 

1. Acknowledge that you will struggle, you will hurt, you will cry, you will be scared, you will be happy, you will feel excitement and you will probably feel all of these things everyday in different ways. You also need to acknowledge that this is a different pregnancy, different baby, different you. Make sure to cheer your baby on and cheer yourself on. Think happy thoughts, get support for the hard thoughts, be intentional. 

2. Getting support can be LIFE CHANGING. If a support group is right for you make sure to find one that  is as specific to your loss as possible, this can make a big difference in finding friends that get YOU. If you need help finding one please reach out to us! We will help you. Also make sure to hire  a Doula for this pregnancy and make sure they know about your loss and what you need from them. There are alot of amazing doulas out there who support families after loss.

3. Make sure everyday you get the big 4. Sun, Sleep, Movement and Water. These will help you build a foundation for a less stressful pregnancy, better mental health and mood management and it will help with the aches and pains of pregnancy and keep you mobile. 

Just remember even when it feels like you are alone, you aren’t. There are millions of moms all over the world looking for friends that get them. We are all here for you mama. 

Sending all the love mama. 

Xx, Vallen