My Transformational Healing Journey After Losing My Daughter.

We were living in Lake Stevens, Washington, one of the most amazing, beautiful, and family-friendly places I’ve ever been. It was my two girls and I, my husband was in the Navy and on a 7-month deployment. We spent our days going to the park and the beach- one of our closest family friends had moved across the country the September before so we were just learning to get out and meet new people. We spent our days snuggling on the couch watching Princess Sofia- while I dreamed of one-day supporting women as a Postpartum Doula, which I had taken my training for in Feb/Mar 2019. I spent most of my adult life depressed, feeling like a victim of a shitty life that a righteous god that everyone loved had given me. I was resentful, I wanted more but was in the mindset that it doesn’t happen to people like me, I just have to accept the life I had been given and be happy about it. I didn’t know or understand at the time that I was responsible for my life and choices, that I was one decision away from changing my life if I wanted to. My husband and I barely built a life together before I got pregnant with our first child. We were honestly strangers having a good time and then it seemed all at once, I was pregnant, we moved in with my Dad and then he joined the Navy to get us out of the life we didn’t want. He was brave and he made me brave. We had each other, we had love and we had a future together somewhere that wasn’t Cheboygan, MI. 

July 19, 2019

After being induced the first 2 times I gave birth, this time my body went into labor around 10:10 am, I was bouncing on my pink yoga ball trying to get things moving. This was also the time Evelyn’s movement stopped. 

Fast Forward to 1 am, July 20, 2019, my Doula Kendra and I arrived at triage when we found out my daughter's heart had stopped beating. As my life started crashing around me, I quickly headed for the bathroom where my thoughts were bombarding my body with all of these grief sensations. I have to get my husband home, I have to tell everyone, she isn’t dead, she can’t be, she is dead, it makes sense, I couldn't feel her move parts of the day, it’s my fault, I need a c-section I can’t go through with this without a living baby. I didn’t know what to do, my eyes were pouring out tears and I could barely see or physically move. It was like I couldn’t command my body at this point. I was in disbelief, this couldn’t be fucking real. Babies don’t die. 

I refused to accept this fate until I could hold her and see her for myself. Maybe they made a mistake, doctors aren’t beyond fault after all. I spent over an hour trying to convince my provider that I wanted a C-section. I couldn’t sit with a dead baby in my belly, go through labor, and not bring home my baby girl. This wasn’t real, I needed it to be over. Until I would agree to give birth vaginally they wouldn’t give me an epidural, they wouldn’t proceed with the events of the day, and they made me suffer until I made the choice they wanted me to make. It was almost as traumatizing as finding out your baby died and then having to give birth to your dead baby. 

I was fucking angry, I was in denial, I was SO confused that she had somehow died in the last 24 hours and why didn’t I know? Why do our bodies not know? How was I going to get through this? If it wasn’t for my Doula, my midwife, Gretchen, and my Nurse, Michelle, I probably would have at some point tried to take my own life. How does a mother live through this? I’m supposed to be the life force, the safe keeper, the life-giver, not the life taker, not the death carrier. 

Once I got home I was surprised by the women who showed up for me without hesitation- although now that I know them and they are my friends, I'm not surprised at all, it is who they are. The meal train, the grief groceries, the support for my kids, the dishes I didn’t have to do, my doula accompanying me to the funeral home to deal with all the fine print, paperwork, and decisions that would plague my soul forever, saying goodbye to my daughter's physical body from our physical world. 

I decided weeks into my grief that I would not be the person I was before anymore. Not just because she was so incessantly unhappy and couldn’t get out of the emotional loops she created in her brain, but because she didn’t take responsibility for her life or her choices. Plus once you experience a heart-shattering loss, there is no going back to your naivete self. 

I realized that this isn’t a fluke, it happens every day to other mothers around the world. How can this be? How has the death of our babies not been solved and prevented by now? I started journaling and writing to process the experiences that I had the day my daughter died. I wrote letters to the providers who took my choice away from birth in the way I needed to during my birth to my dead daughter. My husband finally made it home 5 days later from Japan, where his ship was in port, too late to hold or even see his daughter. Another decision I felt guilty about, not knowing I could have asked the funeral home for more time. 

I started working with local hospitals as a volunteer Bereavement Doula and started supporting moms and families less than a year after my loss. Just being with these families on their worst day. 

8 months later COVID-19 started and we were isolated and experiencing loss of all different kinds, it just compounded. In September 2020 I gave birth to our rainbow child after navigating the already anxiety-filled, Pregnancy After Loss, I had to navigate it during the pandemic becoming extremely depressed and on edge at all times. 

I had so many challenges including the estrangement from my mom which was put in place to protect my emotional and mental health months before Evelyn died, so now I was navigating life without a Mom- which wasn’t all that new to me, but hard nevertheless. My husband and I were not only facing the loss of our daughter- which causes an 85% divorce rate in married couples, but an affair he decided to have when he went back on deployment a month after the death of Evelyn, he also tried committing suicide on the end of deployment. There were abandonment issues, trust issues, marital issues, and divorce on our doorstep which was entangled with the death of our daughter. 

These challenges brought us to individual therapy for both of us but also marriage counseling every week for 8 months. We would have little pockets of joy and small wins but they often seemed to get overshadowed by the unexpected triggers I faced everywhere I looked. 

Through these struggles, I had Liz and Beth, Deb and Ann, and a few other women who I could talk to without the fear of judgment and shame. They allowed me to process externally to figure out what I was feeling and what I felt I needed to do. 

I’m almost 5 years into this healing journey and what I can tell you is that YOU will survive. It will feel like shit, you will feel like you want to NOT exist, you will feel resentment, anger, guilt, shame, and most of all you will long to be with your baby again, you will ache, you will hurt. 

But you will also feel exceptional JOY. Things will feel so much deeper- this is something I experienced. No more surface-level gratitude, I started feeling this depth of joy, happiness, and light that I had never felt before. I know wholeheartedly that without the darkness of Evelyn’s loss, I may not have ever felt this side of myself. We need contrast to understand an emotion or feeling. That isn’t to say there is a reason why Evelyn had to die- I don’t believe in that sentiment AT ALL. But if she had to die, something BETTER  come out of it. 

Now, my healing journey started when my husband went on his first deployment in 2016. After 25 years of mental suffering from my childhood and environment, I NEEDED to change, I searched for it everywhere, not knowing it was always within me– a sentiment I’ve heard before that I despised-UM HELLO, if it was there wouldn’t I have already tapped into that?! Lol

 Before I had kids, I was a WRECK. I didn’t have any direction, I didn’t have a role model or mentor that I looked up to. I didn’t know what was available to me in this life. I didn’t know I could change my trajectory with one decision, one choice. Then I read the Book, You Are A Badass, By the incredible Jen Sincero, and this my friends initiated my first evolution of change after becoming a mom.

The tough love in the book is what I needed to set me in motion. I took that book, started a wellness routine that I stayed with for 5+ months, and started spending time with friends and women who were so much wiser than even they knew. I looked up at them and saw what was possible from their lives. It was eye-opening. From there I added in movement at the gym, had time away from the kids for an hour every day on the elliptical machine and we took a walk every day getting in more movement, sunshine, drinking extra water, and getting in extra protein. I was also getting quality sleep and spending extra time taking care of myself– for the first time in my life. This is not an exaggeration. Self-care was selfish in my family, I was to be a resentful Martyr for the rest of my life, like the other Matriarchs in my family. They hated everything and everyone. The mentality was, “Be grateful for what you have, wanting more is selfish and greedy, you're going to hell if you don’t believe this way, etc”

From 2016 until I gave birth to Evelyn, I spent my days being the best Mom I could be and dreaming up businesses I wanted to start that all involved helping Moms in some way. After Evelyn died, I threw myself into Postpartum and Bereavement care and learned everything I could about stillbirth, loss, and grief. Afraid I would always be depressed, unmotivated, and hateful to everyone who was having babies. 

2021, so two years after I gave birth to Evelyn, we moved to Illinois and bought a house, I started my Postpartum doula business, contracted with agencies for clients, and started dreaming and making vision boards and writing business plans- the business building is a huge passion for me, I love all the techy stuff. I started following women like Allie Casazza, Carrie Green, and Emilly Williams; these women gave me life, inspired me, and something to look forward to– the life I wanted. I was drawn to them and started listening to their podcasts, buying their courses, and learning everything I could to build this business to support loss moms and their support people. I hired a nutrition/fitness coach to help me on my wellness journey to lose weight, something I also struggled with since childhood. For the last 5 months, I have walked EVERY SINGLE DAY, and though it has helped me lose 24lbs, it has boosted my confidence, my self-trust, and my mental health. 

Here is what I want you to know…

You don’t have to build a business to create change or be happy ( this is just my outlet).

You don’t have to hire a fitness or nutrition coach to start changing your physical and mental health, just follow my pillars for the foundational healing which is 

>>>> WATER, SUNSHINE, MOVEMENT, SLEEP>>>>>

These are the things that not only move the needle ( or make growth happen), but are also FREE– mostly. 

You don’t have to be perfect to create change or grow. 

You don’t have to read, or listen to the same books- you may connect better with someone else. 

Here is what you CAN do to start creating growth and change in your healing journey…

1. Personal Development- this is the greatest gift you will ever give yourself, I will give you a list of books to look at. ( Use your library to borrow the books or use their free app to download the books- you don’t need a huge financial commitment).

2. Walking, at least once a day… Yes, you heard me right. And it doesn’t have to be miles long, even around the block! Any type of movement. 

3. Water, drinking enough water every day, just carry a bottle with you everywhere you go. 

4. Sunshine, when you wake up in the morning, go sit outside and let the sun hit your face- this will bring you instant joy and radiate warmth and energy. 

5. Getting enough sleep every night. If you aren’t sleeping your mental health is going to go down the drain, this isn’t me just saying things, this is scientific fact. Sometimes in grief or mourning, we can’t sleep, we just lay or sit there, thinking. If that is the case, talk to your provider for help. 

6. Intentionally scroll through social media and find women or men or accounts that really bring you joy, and create positive, enlightening, helpful, supportive content. Then go through and block all the shit, the news, the things that really bring your mental health down. This DOES matter. 

7. Pick up a habit to read or listen to audiobooks or podcasts and when you are done, re-read it. If you don’t understand why, listen to Bob Proctor and he will explain it in great detail. 

8. Start an expressive practice of journaling or meditating… or both really. You need to try things so you know what really feels good and works for you and what doesn’t. It is okay if you don’t like something, it will lead you to what you do love. I have some great prompts I can share with you. 

9. Every day you need to send love to one person! And it should be the one person who has really been bothering you lately. Again, this is a Bob Proctor thing, but this shifts your mood and puts you into good energy. 

10. Habit stacking. For example, I listen to my podcasts or audiobooks on my morning walk with my infant while drinking my water. 3 of my feel-good habits at one time. This is great especially when you are a busy mom or busy woman in general. 

11. Start finding friends and people you want to spend time with that make you feel GOOD. That makes you feel like you can be authentic and share your goals and dreams, stretches you a bit, and really enjoy yourself around. 

12. Find a purpose in helping other people. It doesn’t have to be loss moms, although I know a lot of us want to help moms like us. It can be anything, anytime. You don’t need a lot of time or money to help others, just do what you can with what you have. This will be pivotal in your journey. I promise you. If you need ideas, send me an email, there are so many volunteer opportunities just waiting for you. 

13. Gratitude- which I know is SO hard to muster, but it is essential if you want to really help yourself. Gratitude raises our frequency IMMEDIATELY. You can habit stack while you are journaling and write 10 things you are grateful for every day, but you have to REALLY get into it. Feel it as you write, if you are doing it right you may experience goosebumps like I do when I am truly in grateful energy. 

14. Repetition– THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART.  Whatever you choose to do, you need to repeat it until it becomes 2nd nature and then beyond that repeat it. I didn’t know I was doing this when I would reread Jen Sincero’s book 2 or 3 times a year. It made me feel good and I wanted to be in those feelings, little did I know I was ingraining what I was learning into my subconscious brain, slowly but surely making new neural connections, increasing my capacity to change. Reread that book, relisten to that audiobook, and repeat anything that brings you the results you seek. This is how we integrate new information and learn new things.

I hope you see my journey and the first thing you think is, “She’s not done yet.” These healing journeys are forever. It gets lighter, a bit easier, a bit more cope-able, but it will always be a bit hard.

But you need to remember that is okay. You are allowed to let it be easy. You are allowed to let in EASE. It can be hard AND you can still do it with ease, but letting go of expectations that seem to always be TOO high and committing to being flexible and having an attitude of gratitude. I know it is easier said than done, but once you repeat the things that you will focus on for your healing journey, the easier it is.

Our babies will always be an integral part of our story, we are who we are now, because of them, and we are where we are now, because of us but also because of them. They are ingrained in our bodies and minds forever. We are entangled in the best way- in love. There is no life without them, there is no journey we could go on without them, they are forever our babies.