Late Night Thoughts…
Hey Evelyn James Fam!
It is 10:22pm here and I’m up late reorganizing and revamping the Pregnancy Loss Education Course. I’m working on a collaboration with Bebo Mia that will be coming out in a couple months and I want to make sure the course is in tip top shape for all the amazing Doulas who will be taking it!!!
What a journey this has all been. I sit here wondering if I am doing the right thing, if this is what I am meant to be doing. As someone who has spent her entire life feeling so separate from the rest of the world, all I ever wanted to do was fit in. I can see it in myself at the ripe age of 35, still thinking I should just be happy being a stay at home mom! I see other moms do it, why can’t this be it? Why is that not enough for me. Tucking Bohdi and Emmett in tonight, I found myself studying their sweet faces and smelling their heads and just listening to their sounds and Emmett’s words and his conversations. I’m so FUCKING BLESSED. I’m elated, I’m living in my bliss, I’m living in a beautiful, chaotic, messy, overwhleming, fast-paced life. The one I always dreamt about. Having a home where my kids can just be kids, yes they have chores, yes they complain, but this is their safe space, their comfort zone. They don’t have to hurry up and get busy just because I walk in the room, they are unbothered by my presence, I don’t make their heart race and worry that I am about to explode. I will be the first to admit, I can absolutely be this way once in a while when I realize they have done something WILD! haha. But I am human, I apologize, i tell them i was wrong and that I am sorry. So in all these thoughts and different directions this short little paragraph has gone, I have always felt something missing. I always felt different from even my bestest friends. It could be considered bold to say, but I have always thought their was a magnificient reason for my existence. I couldn’t tell you what that is, even now. But I do know, i was meant to be a mom and I was meant to help other moms. Since Evelyn died I think I’m meant to help moms who have lost their babies too. The more I get into this work I realize I am a CONNECTOR. Which makes sense. I love connecting people to what they NEED. Which I think is pretty cool. I love supporting the PEOPLE who support the loss families. Making sure our families are just entrenched in love, compassion and all the support they could possibly need. I want them to feel seen, feel loved, feel that they are not in this shitty experience all by themselves.
I yearn to create change at a higher level and in the season of life and parenting I am in now, including breastfeeding, sports, school, podcasting, business building, marriage building, personal development, weight release journey, like I am learning to be OK with taking very small steps in the right direction. I don’t get to work for 10 hours straight and really knock things out of the park. I have to work 4 minutes here, an hour or 2 there, 15 minutes there, like I have no set schedule right now! How can I possible do all the things. I can tell you we have all been sick this past week and I have dropped the ball, more like threw it out the window once I gave myself the grace to be sick and not be productive.
So all this to say, if you are in a season of grief— i mean after losing a baby I don’t think it goes away but there are seasons it is heavy! If you are struggling right now trying to do all the things for everyone, just set it down. Just set it down and lay on the couch, let the kids run around while you snooze in and out ( of course block off the entrance and put anything away they can’t play with) sometimes we have to force ourselves to slow down and just breathe.
Everything that you are meant to have in this life is coming to you. Don’t worry about how, there are a million ways your dreams can come to you, it isn’t any of our business how that happens. We just keep taking small, meaningful actions that will no doubt lead us to the life we are creating. There is NO DOUBT it will happen if you keep holding on and keep taking action and keep moving forward. Enjoy everyday as much as you can.
Night mama. Sending all the love!
