If We Talk About Our Loss, We Are Looking For Attention…
I’ve seen enough chats and forums and social media posts to know that there are parts of society, groups of people if you will, that feel the need to tell loss moms that they are just trying to get attention, and why would you share a picture of your dead baby and why would you celebrate their birthday and put it on Facebook- you are asking for it.
Umm… Yes we are looking for attention. But not in the shallow ways you may think.
We are looking for attention from others who have experienced what we have. We are looking for a community to connect to.
How do you do this by staying silent?! You fucking don’t.
There is a part of us, a part of society that thinks if we talk about our babies it’ll hurt more, it will prevent us from healing, it will push people away, It’ll just keep us stuck.
This is a narrative that needs to change and I will work to put a stop to.
Yes, we are sharing our babies because they are as real as my living and breathing children. Why would I not share? What if your baby died? Would you want to share them or have to tuck them away in a memory box in the back of your closet and hide their urn… this is what you make mothers like me feel like doing or rather, this is what we think we are supposed to be doing. Shoving down our grief, hiding our babies, feeling shame from society, and feeling guilt towards our babies for hiding them.
The healing part is done through processing and talking and living through those emotions to process it, talk about it, share the experience, and connect with others who experienced it. That is where the biggest jumps in our healing come from. Time yes, but connection is #1. That is what helps us heal, that is why it is okay to be loud, that is why it is okay to talk about your baby and your story and what you have been through because other people will find you, the ones like you. And you may just save them. You may just make it okay to speak to them and I think in the loss community that is in all of us.
If you are not ready to share your story and your baby that is OKAY! Not everyone will want to. You may never be ready. That is also okay. You don’t need anyones permission or opinions on what they think you should do.
But if you want to share it, share it loudly. Share it boldly. Share it bravely. You deserve to share it with the world, just like people share what they fucking ate for the day and somehow that is deserving of attention but a baby who died is not. It makes no sense to me.
The more you share and find your tribe of moms, the more you will start to see the other side to loss. The side where you will experience joy, happiness and laughter. You will find the sun rising in the morning a gift rather than a nuisance reminding you of another day without your baby.
We are looking for the attention of others who are in this space who are advocating and working in the political space for loss moms. The ones who are working to get stillbirth certificates, working to get better support for moms, more maternity leave, hell maternity leave at all when our babies died.
We are sharing our devastatingly tragic experience in hopes that we can get support. Some moms don’t have any type of support and all they may have is a group of online women they have never met. Maybe they need to hear from other women who have gotten through it and need that assurance that the pain and grief won’t always be so heavy.
We are humans. We need connection. We need to feel supported. We need to be loved.
Move forward with action:
1. Listen to our podcast - https://open.spotify.com/show/6Px5wtLMYkPHucbl5ytFUQ?si=0e4d10f8447d4a3f
2. Join our Facebook support group - https://www.facebook.com/groups/evelynjamescollective
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