Through Pain, To Purpose: The Other Side of Pregnancy Loss
We see it. Even if we don’t want to acknowledge it. The conversations, the news articles, non-profits, in politics and in the people all around us. Stillbirth, miscarriage, TFMR, abortion, baby loss - it’s always been here. We hear the stories of the women who lose a baby and how negatively it affects their lives. The questions we should be asking are why some moms are affected more than others and is there “another side” to the grief and pain we experience.
I lost my daughter Evelyn in 2019. She was stillborn at 40 weeks and 5 days while my husband was on a 7-month deployment. I was lucky to have my doula, Kendra by my side.
I can tell you after that day, nothing ever seems that bad. Even if it is… losing a child is worse. I never thought I would be happy again. I never thought I would laugh or even feel joy again. I didn’t know ANYONE who had a stillborn baby. Since I had gone through this huge, transformative loss of my 3rd daughter, I knew I wanted to help other moms just like me.
As I worked as a postpartum doula, I quickly realized how experiences like loss, infertility, mood disorders, and too much “information” from socials affected mothers. The toll it takes, the ability to build the resilience to keep going, and how having community and support or lack thereof can make or break their ability to survive or FLOURISH, including after a loss.
In my work as a bereavement doula there are two factors that I have seen that have the most impact on the journey through loss. Those two things are COMMUNITY and the WILL or Resilience to keep going.
Day by day I started writing my experience and the milestones I met and the triggers I faced. I read books on grief and stillbirth and reached out to non-profits like Star Legacy to learn all I could about what happened to me and how I could help others. I soon realized the lack of training in doulas to support families going through loss. This was when I decided to teach them because the gap in care from our families in the hospital to home was lacking and if we can have a standard of care for these families their grief and their healing can be supported and nurtured.This has turned into an online course, in-person workshops for doulas and other perinatal professionals, doula agencies, and also my podcast. My passion seemed to keep growing and I keep having these moments where I’m like..ok now this! I just held my first in-person support group for moms last month, and have been working to create a online platform for loss moms. I’m also trying to stop trigger warnings from being used in the pregnancy/baby loss world because it perpetuates the shame, guilt and isolation that these moms and families already experience.
There is a conundrum in women like me whose baby dies. We hate that they died. We don’t want to believe there was a reason our baby needed to die. FInding a “silver lining” can often feel like a slap in the face, but we are faced with this beautiful, burning passion for something we never would have otherwise stepped into.
So what do we do?
For me… I have stepped into the fire-burning passion within me to support these families and those that support them.
Wherever you are in your healing journey, I promise you there IS joy, laughter and happiness to be found. There is a purpose if you want there to be. If you want to turn your pain into a passion, I highly recommend feeling into what your being drawn to, something that keeps showing up in your life, a theme or word that keeps showing up, a feeling you can’t seem to ignore. A quiet voice or knowing inside yourself, calling you into a direction you never thought you’d want to go. A pull to write your story, share your story, start a podcast, start a support group, find women like you to be friends with and support eachother through, become a nurse or midwife, or whatever dreams that have been silently residing in your heart. It is not uncommon for them to come out when your redefining what life is and how you want it to be when you experience a huge shift or loss in your life.
You may find that helping other people ultimately helps you heal. You may find your baby's death to be a catalyst of change for yourself. That is what I have found. That is what I decided.
Move forward with action:
1. Listen to our podcast - https://open.spotify.com/show/6Px5wtLMYkPHucbl5ytFUQ?si=0e4d10f8447d4a3f
2. Join our Facebook support group - https://www.facebook.com/groups/evelynjamescollective
3. Share this blog widely!
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