A guide for Birth and Postpartum Doulas: Helping moms heal with the help of connection and community.
If you are new here, Hi! I'm Vallen, I'm a Postpartum and Bereavement Doula along with everything else I do. So teaching and educating Doulas in Bereavement/ Pregnancy Loss Support is a huge part of my passion!
Of all the work I do in this realm, at the heart of it lies normalizing pregnancy loss! This is one of the most crucial steps to help create a sense of shared experiences among women. When one woman bravely shares her story, it paves the way for others to do the same. This sharing of thoughts, feelings, and experiences subtly creates connection and community. As moms navigate the complexities of loss, they transform into resilient versions of themselves to carry their grief beside them.
From my personal experience, after losing my daughter Evelyn, I found strength in my community. One I didn’t even realize was there. Often we don’t see the true strength of those around us until one of us is in distress or devastation. Our Lake Stevens community, particularly within my military spouse group, became a lifeline. Women, some mere acquaintances, stepped forward as superwomen, offering not only support but created this sense of solidarity. The power of love and connection is often underestimated.
I had a unique model of support, one not often seen in the “civilian” world. Military communities, with their complexities and occasional dramas, shine when it comes to rallying around one another in times of need. The readiness to come to the aid of a fellow spouse is a lived reality and let me tell the fierceness all women have when one of their own is hurt. Outside the military sphere, finding and defining community can be challenging, often leaving individuals uncertain about what it truly looks like. This is of course my opinion, I’ve been on both sides, before my husband joined the military and after he left. To this day I haven’t found a group of women like my military friends.
When a baby dies, the need for connection becomes paramount. However, grief can drive some to withdraw, as it did for me. Shame kept me from sharing my pain, hindering others from helping me during my lowest points. Connecting with others who understand the pain is instrumental in the healing process. Personal healing often emerges from the seemingly ordinary moments spent with friends – watching kids play, sipping coffee, or embarking on adventures. Feeling loved and included during these moments has a heartfelt impact, providing a safe space to express pain and share the memory of a lost child. Doulas must guide mothers in overcoming this tendency to withdraw and encourage them to seek connection.
In moments when personal strength falters, the strength of friends, family, and the community becomes a vital source of support. Connecting with those who have experienced similar losses or those willing to share their strength can be transformative. The journey towards healing may never fully erase the scars, but finding strength in others allows for profound growth.
As doulas, we play a pivotal role in encouraging mothers to find and embrace supportive communities. Here are practical tips to guide them:
Encourage Virtual Communities: Suggest joining online groups or forums where mothers can connect with others who share similar experiences.
Local Support Groups: Provide information on local support groups organized by organizations like the Star Legacy Foundation, PSI, hospitals, churches, or MOPS groups.
Create or Join FB Communities: Establishing or joining Facebook groups specifically designed for mothers who have experienced loss can foster a virtual space for connection and support.
By normalizing pregnancy loss, encouraging connection, and fostering a sense of shared strength, we contribute to the profound healing journey through connection.
