Becoming pregnant again after my stillbirth was probably one of the scariest, most fearful times of my life if I am being honest. It was a quiet fear though, I did my best not to speak out loud about the possibility that I knew existed. That possibility is that no pregnancy is safe, no woman is safe from the potential loss of a baby and that is terrifying. There was no more belief that at 18 weeks you are safe! The same crock of shit line that we are fed although the number of weeks varies, I’ve heard doctors tell women that they are safe at 12 weeks so it is dependent on a medical professional. If you are experiencing this I am sorry if you're not feeling safe in your body, I’m sorry if you aren’t surrounded by people who provide you a safe space to just be.

People don’t know what to do or what to say when it centers around someone else's grief, especially the loss of a baby. No one else knows the pain you are enduring and living with because much like the fear I talked about being quiet, the pain we experience is also quiet and felt internally- for the most part, I’m not talking about mourning- crying, screaming being angry, but the internal suffering that we have to feel alone. 

I wanted to create a list of things that you can do you support the anxiety you may experience during this time. Anxiety is among the most common emotions experienced in PAL. Here are some strategies that may help ease anxiety during this time:

1. Openly communicate with your healthcare provider: Maintain regular communication with your healthcare provider throughout your pregnancy. Discuss your concerns, fears, and anxieties openly with them. They can provide reassurance, answer your questions, and offer guidance tailored to your specific situation. Make sure it is a provider you trust and feel comfortable seeing. If you want to change your provider, that is 100% OKAY! I changed my provider at 33 weeks, the closer I got to giving birth in the same place where I gave birth to my dead daughter, the more fear crept up and I was reminded that I didn’t trust my providers because they took my birthing choice away from me. I was scared to “hurt” their feelings. Well, I got over that and I went to a birthing center. 

2. Seek support from a support group or counselor: Connecting with others who have experienced similar losses can provide immense comfort and understanding. Consider joining a support group for bereaved parents or seeking counseling from a therapist who specializes in pregnancy loss. They can offer guidance, a safe space to express your feelings, and coping strategies to manage anxiety. This was invaluable to me, I always say talk therapy can change your life if you let it. 

3. Educate yourself: Educating yourself about pregnancy after loss can help alleviate anxiety. Understand the medical aspects of your pregnancy, the precautions and monitoring that will be in place, and the steps taken to reduce the risk of recurrence. This knowledge can provide a sense of control and confidence. The lack of control is what drives the fear, remembering that our bodies were made to give birth and just because we had a loss doesn’t mean it will happen again. We need to remember that and cheer ourselves on in this pregnancy. I highly recommend taking a childbirth class, reading books on birthing and pregnancy, know what you have available to you because they won’t always offer up what you can have, like extra monitoring or ultrasounds- YOU can make that choice, don’t let anyone else tell you what they think is right, make sure your gut is okay with it. If it isn’t advocate for yourself or hire a doula who can remind you of your power and choice. 

4. Practice self-care: Engage in activities that promote relaxation and reduce stress. This can include practicing mindfulness or meditation, deep breathing exercises, gentle prenatal yoga, or taking soothing baths. Prioritize self-care and make time for activities that bring you joy and calmness. This may seem like a DUH. But stress levels do affect our babies and our pregnancies and it is important to support our mental health and emotional health. I took a bath every day, lit candles, read my favorite comfort Nora Roberts novels, left voice notes on my phone, and took walks these things supported ME. Find what really works for you. 

5. Involve your partner or support person: Share your anxieties and concerns with your partner or a trusted support person. Involve them in your journey, attend medical appointments together, and encourage open and honest communication. Having their support and understanding can make a significant difference in managing anxiety. You NEED support to thrive in your pregnancy and postpartum. You are not meant to experience this alone, especially after a loss. If you don’t have support, hire a doula- you will hear me say this a million times. Doulas change the ENTIRE dynamic of your birth for the BETTER. They are there for YOU. The medical system isn’t always there for you specifically because they don’t have the resources to support you like a doula does. Mine saved my life and allowed me to give birth non-medicated, vaginally after 3 experiences of inductions and meds. 

6. Manage your triggers: Identify situations, places, or people that trigger anxiety or remind you of your previous loss. Try to minimize exposure to these triggers when possible, or develop strategies to cope with them effectively. This may involve taking breaks from social media, setting boundaries with certain conversations, or creating a self-care plan for challenging moments.This is very important. I highly recommend limiting social media during your PAL, I recommend not watching movies or shows that have horror or sad things happening. They have a HUGE effect on our mental health and that affects our pregnancy. During this time, I would suggest getting a journal just for the PAL so that you can start tracking your thoughts, triggers etc. Knowing where the triggers come from allows you to create a plan to avoid those things or at least keep the triggers to a bare minimum. You can take the power away when you know what causes these emotional triggers. Make sure to avoid people who are less than supportive, if they make you feel bad or say things that don’t support you and the way you are trying to be for you and your baby, you have every right to stop spending time with them. 

7. Celebrate milestones and bond with your baby: Celebrate each milestone in your pregnancy and find ways to bond with your baby. This can include talking or singing to your baby, writing in a journal, or creating a memory box. Focusing on the positive aspects of your pregnancy can help shift your mindset and reduce anxiety. There was a mom in a group that said, “ Cheer your baby on, cheer your pregnancy on.” This is not verbatim but the sentiment is the same. This is not the same pregnancy and you need to support your baby and yourself in having a great pregnancy and outcome for yourself. Spend every day sending positive thoughts and vibrations to your baby along with saying them out loud. Record your pregnancy, take pictures, and try to find some joy every day. 

Remember that it's normal to experience anxiety, but seeking support and implementing strategies to manage it can make your pregnancy journey after loss more enjoyable. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel a range of emotions, your going to run the gamut on emotions, feelings and behaviors, don’t judge yourself. This is a new experience and grace will be your best friend. Reach out to your support system whenever you need to talk or seek reassurance and hire a doula if you need extra support. Always thinking and rooting for you mama. 

Xx Vallen